This is what I did over the weekend. I organized my IVF meds. I made my husband leave the house at 5PM Labor Day Monday and drive me 30 minutes each way to The Container Store.
Why? Because I am losing my mind.
There are a lot of things in my life right now that I cannot control. Organizing my meds brought me a modicum of peace. So I went with it. And Tim, who is currently up for the husband of the year award, understood.
I am so so so worried.
I briefly wondered if it would be better or worse for me to try to organize my worries here. But I’ve decided to do it. I think (read: hope) it will help me in some way.
Tomorrow I am having a Hysterscopy to remove a polyp. It’s a tiny nothing of a polyp, and normally it would be no big deal. We’d watch it, and wait. Unless of course you are moving forward with IVF in 3 fucking weeks. The little bastard of a polyp is sitting exactly where they will drop my embryo(s). Single embryo I think. That is another issue I am worrying about.
So I am worried about this (minor) surgery. I do not want to be knocked out.
I am worried about all these hormones I have to take. Hormones + blood clotting factors. Hormones possibly leading to ovarian cysts. Hormones leading to Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrom (OHSS).
I am worried about being knocked out again in October for my egg retrieval. I am worried I will not produce enough eggs. I am worried the eggs will not be mature enough. That Tim will have sperm issues. That the eggs will not fertilize. That we will only get a few quality eggs, or (please god no) no quality eggs at all.
I am worried we will have to stop my IVF cycle on day 5 and freeze the embryos.
Although, I think, this is a lesser worry. I have known from the start that we have a 50/50 chance of my clinic doing a Fresh Embryo transfer in October. It all depends on the rate at which the embryos are developing. Best case scenario is that we have a few rock star embryos that are ready to be PGD’ed on day 5, and then they can be transferred on Day 6. In any other situation, they will freeze the batch of them, and we will do a frozen transfer in November or December.
I confess I am not completely against this. My clinics frozen transfer rate is almost as high as its fresh transfer rate.
We are 99% sure we are doing a Single Embryo Transfer (SET). This doesn’t seem to be a popular route in the IVF world, in fact, everyone I talk to, both online, and in person, transferred 2 embryos. However, I am already considered high risk, so twins are simply not allowed. PGD means we will be implanting the best quality embryo we have. It gives us the best shot.
I am already second guessing this. And if it doesn’t work the first time. I will have a huge what-if. WHAT-IF we transferred 2?
I do think writing this out helped. In fact, I have already gone back and deleted 2 worries. I called my doctor after I listed them, and the nurse answered both my questions and put my mind at ease. So that’s something.