Insanity. (in·san·i·ty), noun,: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Just got a call from my doctor. All of our embryos died overnight. Our WTF appointment is tomorrow at 9:15am.
So at 3am last night I realized we never received confirmation that our file was flagged for PGD embryo banking. I had this vision of the lab freezing our embryos, then having to defrost them to do PGD and then freezing them again. Perhaps this wasn’t rational but it was 3am and I was working on 0 hours of sleep. There is a clusterF of a backstory here, but this post will be eleventy billion words long, so I’ll skip it.
So this morning at the buttcrack of dawn, I called my clinic to confirm that we were indeed flagged for PGD. My nurse is on vacation, so I left a message for the covering nurse, asking about the PGD notation and to let her know we were waiting for our day 5 blast results today. Hint, hint.
We played phone tag all day, because apparently my phone was sending ALL MY FUCKING CALLS directly to voicemail. First she told me there were no embryo updates yet, and that we’d have to wait till end of business or tomorrow morning. I then called back and left a voicemail explaining our situation last time and that I didn’t need details I just wanted to know if we actually had ANY embryos left today on day 5. And again, the return call went directly to voicemail.
Then I did what any rational person would do and serial dialed the covering nurse 5 times in a row. Of course she didn’t pick up. I finally parked my arse in a large office (that wasn’t mine) where I could get 5 bars on my cell phone and waited it out for about 40 minutes. And when we finally did connect, this is what she said:
“I spoke to the embryologist and they are not checking your embryos today.” She said she’d call me with news in the morning. I just sort of muttered “of course” and hung up.
And then I got mad, and really upset. I pulled out my IVF file and in it I had a drawing from my doctor that said the lab checks the embryos on days 1, 3, and 5. What was the reason they decided to not look at my embryos today? What if we had some quality day 5 embryos that should of be frozen on you know, day 5? Why were they pushing them to day 6? Did we actually have any embryos left today? Did she think I was stupid, because everything I had in my notes said they check the embryos on day 5, and today is day FUCKING 5.
I surmised that someone had news about our embryos, and it certainly wasn’t us. Cue the tears.
At this point, I just wanted to talk to my doctor, and not some covering nurse that did not know our history and clearly passed me some bogus update. I dialed the satellite office my doctor is based out of and started off just asking to schedule a phone appointment with her but it quickly escalated to me getting very upset and the wonderful receptionist telling me she was going to shoot Dr. M an email and see if she’d call me ASAP. 20 minutes later, my doctor was on the phone, and we had the real story.
First off, she said “OF COURSE we looked at your embryos today, it’s day 5?” Um, told ya? Today we have 5 out of 7 embryos still thriving. However, they are all growing a bit slowly, and she ranked them as not quite blasts and not quite morulas. She said they look like day 4.5 embryos. They are growing them out to day 6 to see which ones will make it blast. However there are no guarantees here, we could have 0 tomorrow. I asked her if this cycle looked better than our last and she immediately pulled up our last cycle and said “marginally better.” At this point last time, we had 3/9 embryos, and today we have 5/7. However the first time on day 5, 2 of those embryos were early blasts but they didn’t look too hot.
Clearly it’s not over yet, and tomorrow will yield the actual answers. Tomorrow, or perhaps Thursday AM, as my doctor told me the lab sometimes doesn’t report back till the late in the day. See, all of this insanity could of been managed better with communication, no?
A least today, we have an update. And dirty martinis. Delicious dirty martinis.
Tomorrow is the day we find out if any of our embryos made it to blast. I am not expecting good news. People keep telling me to be positive, and to have hope. I wish they understood, that at this point It’s simply impossible for me to be positive or to have hope. My expectations are very low.
Edited to add: Just spoke to a friend who also goes to my clinic and is in the embryo banking program. She informed me they never called her with an embryo report on Day 5, they called on Day 6. Last time we heard on Day 5, but we were not in the banking program then, and still considering a Day 6 fresh transfer. I guess I am calling them tomorrow.
Ok, 8 mature, 7 fertilized.
It could be much worse.
I am having a hard time being optimistic when we lost so many between days 3-5 last time.