What’s Going On

Eating, Nausea, and Pooping (or lack there of). Right now I am eating chicken noodle soup and I am so so grateful. I just spent the last 36 hours in the fetal position (a slight dramatization, but it wasn’t pretty) with “morning” sickness and gas. Yes, gas. Huge crampy, stomachy gas. This morning, I was up at 6am for an ultrasound with the RE and back in bed at 8am. The misery broke at around 11am and I almost feel human again. My doctor asked my husband “what’s wrong with her?” He replied “she’s been sick for 30+ hours?” We also had a delightful discussion about poop. “Why haven’t you pooped?,” she asked? “That’s my question too,” I replied.

Giving Vaginal Progesterone the Finger. The decision was also made to stick to PEO for the next 2.5 weeks and not switch to vaginal progesterone. I hate hate hate vaginal progesterone. My response cannot be normal? I think last time I used it I referred to it as “en fuego crotch” or “fire vag.” I actually prefer PEO and my doctor is a saint.

Another Ultrasound. Our little guy is doing well and right on target. I told my husband this morning that it’s still difficult to believe there is a little person growing inside of me. I suppose it will feel more real as each week passes?

Lovenox Dosage Fiasco. There was a bit of a nightmare with my new Lovenox dosage, including something not so small as Lovenox actually does not make the dosage my doctor prescribed (in a pre-filled syringe). This took 5 plus days to turn around. I am now completely out of Lovenox and the pharmacy has assured me I will get my new dosage before my shot time at 11:30am tomorrow. Ok.

Losing Weight But My Clothes Are Too Tight? Yesterday I was determined to go to work (I made it 4 hours) and swore I could only muster yoga pants. I tried to pair them with a cute, sparkly tunic top and it was a huge fail. The top was tight across my stomach! I am going to be 8 weeks on Friday and I guess this is just, bloat? I’ve lost weight in the first trimester, so I assume my body is just redistributing due to the baby?

Maternity Clothes. My mom and I have been on a maternity clothes hunt, and so far things aren’t going well. They really just don’t make maternity clothes for short girls, everything is just too long, including the shirts. Most of what I found at Motherhood Maternity, Target, and Kohls were just huge on me. I found a few things I liked at The Pea in the Pod, but I cannot justify spending $258 on an everyday dress when I plan to only be pregnant once. I am in the market for a maternity winter coat (we found a few) and 1-2 dressy maternity dresses for events though. I think we’ve just decided to buy two cute pairs of pregnancy jeans, a soft black maternity skirt, and a pair of maternity black trousers and then get a bunch of cute of flowy shirts (in normal sizing) and some plain t-shirts. I will match this look with fun scarves and earrings and call it a day. Also, I will be pregnant in the fall and winter so I can get away with big sweaters and leggings and dresses and tights with boots. Hopefully whatever we buy I can wear after the pregnancy too.

Sweet Relief

Oh sweet relief.  We saw and heard our little guys heartbeat yesterday.  He is right on track for his gestational age and the MFM said the sac looked “textbook perfect.”

It’s about fucking time that something was textbook perfect.

Since this is my first rodeo, I found this chart helpful in understanding the proper heartbeat ranges based on gestational age:

Age Normal Fetal Heart Rate
5 Weeks (Beginning) 80-85 bpm
5 Weeks starts at 80 and ends at 103 bpm
6 Weeks starts at 103 and ends at 126 bpm
7 Weeks starts at 126 and ends at 149 bpm
8 Weeks starts at 149 and ends at 172 bpm
9 Weeks 155-195 bpm (average 175 bpm)
12 Weeks 120-180 bpm (average 150 bpm)

Prior to my MFM appointment, I had Anti-Xa bloodwork done at the hospital.  This is a timed test that is used to determine if the blood is thin enough while on Lovenox.  The results were back within the hour and we learned my blood is a tad too thick.  My hematologist is increasing my dosage of Lovenox from 40mg to 60mg.  I must admit,  this conversation brought me to tears, tears of relief that I (finally) have the right doctors who will monitor my issues.   It gives me some hope for this pregnancy.

Also, as much as I bemoan the issues that make my pregnancy high-risk, we were really impressed by the ultrasound machine at the MFM’s office.  Dare I say they were sex-ay? They really blew my RE’s ultrasound machines away (and those are nothing to sneeze at either.)   We also straightened out my monitoring and ultrasound schedule for the next 15 weeks or so and now we can can schedule some things we’ve been holding off on.  So while being a clotting nightmare is no prize winner, there will be many appointments, and the constant reassurance during this pregnancy is welcome.

Worry.

I am worrying nonstop that this pregnancy will end because there will be no heartbeat next week, or that somewhere along the line, I will have a missed miscarriage. While I know this worry isn’t healthy in my current state, it is all I can think about.

In other news, we met with the new hematologist yesterday and he was perfect for me. This is such a relief. He explained everything and is on the same page as we are about my care for the next 10 months. In fact, he scheduled my Anti-Xa blood work next week, immediately before my first MFM appointment. Both appointments are conveniently at the same hospital, and close to my office too.

Indeed

There is, indeed, ONE blob (er embryo) in my uterus. We saw both the gestational sac and the yolk sac today. My 3rd BETA was fantastic at 3012 and my P4 is holding at 23. And can I say, THANK YOU GOD that our embryo did not split into two. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

Next up, the hematologist on Wednesday, the MFM on Tuesday and another ultrasound with my RE on Thursday. In between all of that craziness, I am headed to Boston to help my sister with some wedding appointments.

We would like to keep this pregnancy on the DL until the beginning of the second trimester. However, in mid-August we are supposed to journey to Cape Cod for our annual, immediate family beach vacation. I have been dealing with some obvious nausea and have completely changed my diet and drinking habits so there will simply be no way to hide this pregnancy from people who know me well. The timing really is piss poor. And that includes the upcoming wedding planning weekend with my sister. But, I want to see my brother and his 3 children and hate the idea of missing out. Ideally, we would like to keep this pregnancy from as many family members as we can till the beginning of the second trimester, and frankly, we’d rather not tell anyone else till about 24 weeks. That’s quite a lofty goal though.

Infertility Scars

Despite the numerous symptoms I am dealing with (mainly nausea and exhaustion) I cannot stop the negative thoughts about Monday’s ultrasound. Mainly I keep thinking “there will be nothing in my uterus.”

Even after receiving my first real BFP, ever. I am still dealing with the scars of infertility. I imagine I will continue to do so for a very long time.

In fact, I attempted to join a March 2013 Birth Board. Because I am pregnant now, and that’s well, normal, right? Women get pregnant all the time. Could I finally feel normal? Haven’t I been striving for normal? There are so many posts from women lamenting that this pregnancy is “too soon” because they have an “11 month old” or that that it was “unplanned” and “wow, I’m sooo fertile” or “Anyone with 4-5-6 kids?” and “my husband has super sperm!”

I want to start a thread that’s simply entitled “Babies Who Were Planned?”

And while I know it’s not these women’s fault that getting pregnant was easy for them, it’s also not my fault that getting pregnant was fucking hard. And right now, it’s hard to reconcile my current mindset, with theirs.

So I am not normal. Yet, I am not sure I want to be. I promptly joined a thread of women who got pregnant via IVF. It was very comforting to (again) be among women who got it, and understood how much enormous effort and sacrifice it took me to get to this point.