Infertility Scars

Despite the numerous symptoms I am dealing with (mainly nausea and exhaustion) I cannot stop the negative thoughts about Monday’s ultrasound. Mainly I keep thinking “there will be nothing in my uterus.”

Even after receiving my first real BFP, ever. I am still dealing with the scars of infertility. I imagine I will continue to do so for a very long time.

In fact, I attempted to join a March 2013 Birth Board. Because I am pregnant now, and that’s well, normal, right? Women get pregnant all the time. Could I finally feel normal? Haven’t I been striving for normal? There are so many posts from women lamenting that this pregnancy is “too soon” because they have an “11 month old” or that that it was “unplanned” and “wow, I’m sooo fertile” or “Anyone with 4-5-6 kids?” and “my husband has super sperm!”

I want to start a thread that’s simply entitled “Babies Who Were Planned?”

And while I know it’s not these women’s fault that getting pregnant was easy for them, it’s also not my fault that getting pregnant was fucking hard. And right now, it’s hard to reconcile my current mindset, with theirs.

So I am not normal. Yet, I am not sure I want to be. I promptly joined a thread of women who got pregnant via IVF. It was very comforting to (again) be among women who got it, and understood how much enormous effort and sacrifice it took me to get to this point.

13 thoughts on “Infertility Scars

  1. That is a fantastic idea Taylor! Maybe you should also include “IVF planned babies” or “successful IVF pregnancy journey ” that would be really cool and give those of us still waiting for that IVF BFP some real inspiration.

  2. There are definitive some deep scars, and they tend to make it hard not to have those negative thoughts (I have them… I named them Shirley). But good for you for joining an IVF birth board thread! Include yourself in the joy that I hope is a common theme there… You deserve it. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday, and this weekend too.

  3. I could not STAND the birth boards. Women at 12 weeks trying to analyze the “angle of the dangle” from their u/s to determine gender early & I thought “wow- if my baby still has a heartbeat at my 12 wk u/s I’ll be relieved” (well, relieved for a few days anyway). Or they’d complaining about their husbands while I watch my sweet man struggle w/ the conflicting emotions of grief, stress, and very cautious anticipation & I’d want to take away his fears… but know all I can really do is share them.
    That’s insightful you say you are “not normal, yet not sure [you] want to be”.
    I think many women on those boards are lacking in perspective. Not that I’d wish for anyone to have to struggle so hard to have a baby, but I sort of pity people who get really worked up over nonsense & can’t appreciate what really matters. I think sticking to boards where you learn something & where you are understood is a good idea.

  4. I just wanted to say how happy and excited I am for you. Cautiously, of course. I’m so sorry it’s taken this long to pop on here, but I wanted to let you know I’ve been checking in. So very happy! It’s been quite the journey.

    • Thank you so much. It doesn’t seem real and after the hell of the past 3 years I probably won’t believe I will have a baby until the little guy is in my arms. No worries on your delay, really! I knew you were on vacation. How was it btw? Your sunny pool photo looked fabulous!

      • Vacation was fantastic! Just what we needed. It was tough heading back to the grind today but I’ve got my next appt to look forward to next week. Hopefully we will get some answers. I’m definitely going to look into the testing you went thru. It obviously couldn’t hurt! πŸ™‚

      • I’ll ask for any and all tests – making sure we didn’t overlook something. I just want to make sure I know what they are first so I can be informed. It sure as hell seems they don’t bring them up unless you push for them!

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