Despite the numerous symptoms I am dealing with (mainly nausea and exhaustion) I cannot stop the negative thoughts about Monday’s ultrasound. Mainly I keep thinking “there will be nothing in my uterus.”
Even after receiving my first real BFP, ever. I am still dealing with the scars of infertility. I imagine I will continue to do so for a very long time.
In fact, I attempted to join a March 2013 Birth Board. Because I am pregnant now, and that’s well, normal, right? Women get pregnant all the time. Could I finally feel normal? Haven’t I been striving for normal? There are so many posts from women lamenting that this pregnancy is “too soon” because they have an “11 month old” or that that it was “unplanned” and “wow, I’m sooo fertile” or “Anyone with 4-5-6 kids?” and “my husband has super sperm!”
I want to start a thread that’s simply entitled “Babies Who Were Planned?”
And while I know it’s not these women’s fault that getting pregnant was easy for them, it’s also not my fault that getting pregnant was fucking hard. And right now, it’s hard to reconcile my current mindset, with theirs.
So I am not normal. Yet, I am not sure I want to be. I promptly joined a thread of women who got pregnant via IVF. It was very comforting to (again) be among women who got it, and understood how much enormous effort and sacrifice it took me to get to this point.