I am struggling with our next steps. And to be honest here, struggling is a mild word for how I feel.

We’ve been at this infertility nightmare for almost 2 years now, with many years of trying to conceive naturally prior. It has become part of our everyday lives and unfortunately infertility isn’t a train you can just cleanly hop off of and forget. It just chugs and chugs and chugs and drains you.

People keep saying “it will happen for you” but these are people who are not involved in the HOW. HOW WILL it happen for us?

This is not a question easily answered:

1- IF we can get any chromosomally normal embryos that also happen to not have mitochondrial issues,

2- We can then off label use Neupogen at transfer for the HLA match issue. This drug, mind you, is experimental, and is intended to treat chemo patients. It is not covered by insurance (off label use rarely is) and will cost about $10,000 out of pocket. To me though, the bigger issue is not the cost (although that still makes me vomit), but if Neupogen works for us, how could it affect the baby? Or me? No one can really answer this and therefore, I am very very stressed about using this medication. This leads us to the last option, which is to…

3- Use a gestational carrier, to the tune of $60,000 (plus or minus $20k). It’s a huge amount of money, especially after spending money on 4IVFs with CCS testing and immune testing with Dr. Braverman.

There is no easy path here. There are no clear options forward. Having a child naturally or even easily via IVF has been taken from us and I’m angry, so very angry that we have to go to such extreme measures while we rack up insurmountable financial debt.

I feel so lost and defeated. And tired. So tired.


6 thoughts on “Impossible

  1. I’m so sorry. I’m not sure what to tell you. I used Neupogen twice and didn’t think it was so bad. I have exchanged emails with CHR (they are doing a Neupogen trial) about the safety. So far they haven’t had any adverse events, but it is early and not much can be said when you are talking about unborn children. I so wish that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for us, but I’m not sure there is. Oh and the debt, we were just talking about this at my house. I worry that I won’t be able to even enjoy being a mom because I’m going to have to work every minute to pay for this.

  2. Hi Taylor. We met on the Baby Center thread over the summer. I just was thinking of you & wanted to check up on you. The part you wrote about isolation really resonates with me. I’m having a tough time getting out there and “living” but I keep forcing myself. I feel really defeated as well. I am so, so, tired. Sometimes I feel so irrational & snarky too. I’m just a f’n mess to put it simply. Anyway hun, just know that I’m thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

  3. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s incredibly unfair. My heart truly breaks for you. I wish I had words to comfort you or could say something that would make it all better, but I know there is nothing but to tell you I’m thinking of you and want to support you by reading and letting you know I’m here.

  4. It’s amazing the cost of it all. I would like to know how people think they are being helpful when they tell us “oh, it will happen for you….” As if they can see into the future. It’s not as comforting as they might think and after the umpteenth time being told so, it’s more difficult to hide my irritation. Hope your winter cycle is the one.

  5. I wonder if you put it out there into the Universe – that you need a gestational carrier – if a friend or family member would offer to do it for free? I’m so sorry about all the challenges you have been facing ❤

  6. Hi, this is Cloud from the fertility community. Just wanted to say I understand how you feel totally and completely. I feel so isolated, so misunderstood (from the “it will happen people” or worse the “so when are you guys having kids” ignorant clueless people.) it is like we are on another planet from them. I feel so defeated, so anxious. I want to keep forging ahead but I am not sure how deep I can keep digging. How much more can I possibly have in me? I’m sending you my best. Thank you for writing; it is healing to see my thoughts expressed in someone’s writing, to know there is community out there and maybe I’m not alone.

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