Many Lessons

I returned to the infertility clinic this week and had a complete meltdown culminating into days of anxiety and a lot of very painful tears. I can only attribute this to the fact that the last time I was at the RE’s, I saw my dead baby on the ultrasound screen.

Lately I haven been struggling with that fact that a significant percentage of the “friends” I’ve met via online infertility support groups have all but disappeared from my radar. The majority of these women are pregnant, and I guess they have moved on? The loss of those interactions has been difficult. The few that I was very close to have retreated significantly and that has been particularly painful. My RE told me she doesn’t think these type of support communities are healthy for someone who has my level of infertility and I have to conclude she is correct.

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10 thoughts on “Many Lessons

  1. I’m so sorry to read about your pain. I kinda know how you are feeling to an extent. Most of the bloggers I follow/follow me are now pregnant. I don’t necessarily write to get comments, I write as therapy in a way and hope that someone else out there can relate. But, I have noticed a drop off or change in readers. It’s painful to feel like you can no longer relate or on different pages. Hugs from one on your side of the fence.

  2. I am guilty of abandoning my fellow infertiles. I left the PGD board, because I hated sharing good news when so many others were having an impossible time. Perhaps that exactly when I should have stayed, but I thought I was protecting your/their feelings. I still follow blogs and offer support where needed, though. Infertility is a fickle condition, isn’t it? It’s a group you never want to be a part of, and can’t wait to abandon once you have broken through. I am so, so sorry that people (myself included) have packed up and moved on instead of staying to offer a show of solidarity, and proof that it does get better.

  3. I, too, have lost contact with many bloggers who have crossed to the “other side” of pregnancy after infertility. I also belong to a support group locally, and many of them have become pregnant and gone on to have babies and some are trying again already. While I’m still infertile and have nothing to show for 4+ years of my time at the RE’s office. I don’t know which is worse, having it in my face all the time or having them withdraw. Infertility in general makes me so bitter. I don’t even have words of wisdom. I, too, feel defeated and deflated. I’m at a crossroad and don’t know what direction to head next. While I know we don’t really know each other, please know that I check your blog all the time and think of you. XOXO

  4. T- You’ve never left my mind hun…I sincerely wish nothing more than you/dh and many of my online friends to become parents one day soon. This day will come. Infertility is such a silent and painful process/experience…this I know for more than 4 years and have endured 3 m/c’s, but it does and can get better one day…just don’t know when yet. I never believed it either, especially during my darkest days…Many times i wondered why i got chosen to live through so much pain when all i wanted was to become a mom. My one dream. Somehow, we pulled through after years of praying, patience, dr visits, surgeries, tests, and a miracle came through that I’m still bewildered about but eternally thankful for. Just know you have me in your corner always cheering or supporting you…in good times and bad. Us women must stick together no matter what side we are on. Hugs!
    -Princess

  5. Your observations and feelings are both insightful and real. Your RE is probably also correct as I’m not sure it is possible to have such an online support group where people leave freely once they are pregnant/with baby. Thinking further, any other type of support groups where people can cross over to the other side (those living with cancer vs. those in remission) while leaving you behind has an element of being more unhealthy for those still remaining in the group (in my opinion). I stopped investing (both emotionally and actively participating) in the online IF communities but continue to lurk on occasion for that reason.

  6. I’m so sorry your RE visit was hard. I’m sorry this whole thing is hard.
    I can see some drawbacks to online support groups, but I struggled to find support elsewhere. My real-life friends were sympathetic, but what I’d experienced wasn’t common enough for me to know that many people who really “get it”. I did go to some SHARE (pregnancy loss) mtgs. after our 2nd & 3rd miscarriages, but I got more out of “lovenox ladies” b/c it was emotional support + a way to educate myself as a patient (find studies, learn more about testing, etc.)
    But, it seems that IVF groups are on a timeline (ie. “Fall IVF”) which would amplify the problem you are describing. Lovenox ladies had women at all stages of grief & trying.

  7. I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time. I am always checking up on you here on your blog and just want you to know I am thinking of you. ❤

  8. I just wanted to pop on here (Jchic from BnB) and let you know that I read your blog all the time and am pulling and praying so hard for you to get your happy ending. This road is so difficult, so many roadblocks along the way, but I do hope in my heart that this all will bring you your take home, forever baby in 2013. You are so brave and strong – and I am rooting for you. Hang in there.

  9. I thought I left a comment, but I don’t see it! I hope you are doing OK, and I’m so sorry you feel alone. Like Mary Margaret said, I suspect most leave because they are afraid that their success will be hurt more than their support will help.

    This whole IF thing is f’ed up, and I wish you all the best. ((((hugs))))

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