Which Way

I’d like to say things are getting better and staying better but it seems that returning to infertility treatments has halted and also reversed any healing I did after my miscarriage.

I hate hate hate where I am right now and I’m angry that I cannot seem to snap out of it. Women have miscarriages all the time, it’s not like I’m special or anything. I wish I knew how to just suck it up and move on. On one hand I remind myself that I only lost the pregnancy a few months ago but on the other hand I feel like I should of made more progress? I should be feeling better? I don’t know. It’s just, we put so much emotional, physical and financial effort into that baby we lost: 3 IVFs, a polyp removal, CCS testing, 1000’s of injections (FU Lovenox), the bulk of our savings, etc and now I just feel empty. I have always been a strong person and I feel so very defeated.

Yesterday I cancelled on my RE literally 1 hour before I was scheduled to have a procedure. Instead, I stayed in bed and cried for a few hours. My husband then called to see how the procedure went and was shocked when he heard I didn’t go. I always go. I finally dragged myself out of bed, worked a few hours and then cut out early for a manicure and pedicure. I am trying, but some days the sadness is just overwhelming.

Perhaps it isn’t just the miscarriage, but that I am so worn down after almost 2 years of failed infertility treatments? Why continue when we always get bad news? There are just so many obstacles against us. I don’t know how we will overcome my husbands sperm DNA fragmentation and I don’t know how to overcome the HLA match issues. Especially as there is now some concern about using Neupogen due to my blood clotting issues. While we are fine using a gestational carrier it is a huge expense for us on top of 2 years of expensive infertility treatments.

I’ll admit it, I bought Powerball tickets yesterday. Unlimited funds would really help us reach the goal of 1 baby. We won $7.

Just a note to those of you who sent me an email, txt, or left a message after my last post. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for taking 1 minute out of your day to say hello, commiserate or just support. It made me feel less alone.

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7 thoughts on “Which Way

  1. Oh sweetie, I felt the same way after my loss. The whole “It was just a miscarriage. I should move on” mentality haunted me until I got a little help. I don’t care what people might say, I really believe loss AFTER infertility is in the top 5 hardest things I woman can go through. If you are still unsure, give yourself more time. I also encourage you to reach out to a neutral party – a counselor, therapist, religious figure, etc. Someone who will give you a fresh ear and loving shoulder. It is amazing how therapeutic it is to let it out to a caring ear. I’m thinking about you. xoxo

  2. Awe Taylor, I agree with Belle that maybe you should seek counseling in whatever form that you are the most comfortable. It is good to be able to vent and have an unbiased but caring ear, and I am speaking from experience. It’s alright, you do not have to get over it and move on but I really don’t want you to get stuck in this moment either. You are beautiful and your husband and your family loves you and you will get through this sorrow and pain. Please keep your faith and keep trying and know you are not at all alone.

  3. My heart just breaks to hear the pain in your posts. I wish I had answers for you. Please don’t feel guilty or try to diminish what you’re going through. This is serious sh*t. You’ve suffered a great loss and you have every right to mourn that in whatever way is right. I completely understand that you want to move past it and feel happy, but sometimes these things just take more time. I haven’t had a miscarriage, but I had a serious traumatic event happen to me 12 years ago that I still can’t completely move past. Time has healed a lot, but there are still days where I can’t let go of it. Sometimes I think “Sarra get over it! It’s been long enough!”. But then I remember to be kind to myself. Loss is so very difficult and I can only imagine how you are feeling. Sending you hugs and wishing you peace.

  4. Hey T –
    After my IVF loss last October it took me months to be able to pull myself together. There is no guide that says we must be over a loss in x amount of time. What is important is that you are kind to yourself, and know that it is okay to be sad. I don’t think you’d be human if you weren’t. I wish I could take all your hurt and pain away, but truth of the matter is, I’m still hurting from every single loss I’ve ever experienced, and I truly don’t think that hurt will go away. We are mothers, whether we have living children or not; and mothers will always have a special place in their hearts for every single child they have ever carried..regardless of the time carried.
    I am sad we have lost touch over the past few months, but believe me, I am 100% sensitive to your situation as I have been there plenty of times myself. I recognize you are still very much hurting, and needing to mend and I want your feelings to heal, even if it’s just a little before anything else. The online communities are great at times, and absolutely horrid at others.
    I do want you to know I read every single blog entry you post and I think and pray about you often. I wish you strength and peace and I pray you grow a little more hope and healing in every single day..even if it’s just a little bit.
    Hugs!
    -amanda

  5. T- I second what Sarra and Amanda said, wholeheartedly, so I don’t need to repeat it, but I really wish I could meet you and give you the world’s biggest hug. Thinking of you often!

    Princess

  6. 😦 Losing a baby is awful — no matter when and how it happens! I don’t think you really ever get over it — I know I haven’t. I think about and pray for my angel babies often. Take the time you need, and give yourself the freedom to grieve your loss. Sending hugs your way!

  7. I noticed you labeled this under “my doctor is the bomb”. I hope that means she was understanding that you just couldn’t do the proceedure that day.

    My husband found grief counseling helpful last year. He decided to go when we were pregnant again & he could sense a lack of emotional control from the stress of it all. For me it was therapeutic to write and talk about it. I cried a lot, esp. after making love or singing hymns in church or anything that stirred emotions. I think the goal of morning isn’t to eliminate grief- I think it’s to make a place for peace and acceptance alongside the longing.

    A friend of mine made me a mother’s bracelet. It had our babies’ names plus a butterfly for our 1st loss that we didn’t name. The beads were the color of their birthstones. Maybe you could have one w/ a little heart for your 1st miscarriage & something meaningful for your baby boy. I love that bracelet. I love the acknowledgement that I am their mother. Having something concrete is helpful for me to know my babies are not just a vanished wish, but are a permanant part of my life & heart.

    Whatever things are helpful to you, I hope you find them. I wish for you everything good- peace, success, strength, and above all, a sweet baby to hold someday… (Oh & maybe also a friend who isn’t so long-winded! Sorry this was 4 whole paragraphs long! Sheesh!)

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