This is How I Feel.

A bullet list of what’s goin’ on:

    • We have a date for transfer. We’ve hand picked the doctor, the uterus whisperer, and he of the highest transfer success rate at our clinic.   This is a “perk” of being a challenging case.
    • We have agreed to participate in an study wherein, prior to said transfer, they will wash my uterus with HCG. Rumor has it this will aid in embryo implantation. That would be fantastic.
    • I have another lining check tomorrow. On Monday, my lining was at an 8, type 1. After the check, we will sign and turn in our consent forms.
    • While my uterus is very compatible with Estrace, my head is not. I am still suffering from horrible headaches and significant exhaustion.   They upped my dose yesterday too.  Bastards.
    • The balance of my meds were just ordered. Including but not limited to, Neevo for the MTHFR and more Lovenox (always Lovenox). Progesterone in Ethyl Oleate to commence on Friday. Righto.
    • This upcoming transfer (our first) will take place approximately 15 months after our first RE appointment, 3 IVFs, and a lot of heartache.
    • And at this point, there is nothing else we can do to guarantee this embryo will stick.
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All Systems Go

Today is CD1 and the Estrace should arrive by mail tomorrow, and then after a quick doctors appointment Wednesday morning, I should start popping pills in prep for this FET Wednesday night.

I’ve been lax on taking prenatals and baby aspirin, as well as going to acupuncture.  I was given a short 2 weeks off of injections and I simply stopped taking everything.  I just started back on it all Sunday.

And in honor of my MTHFR, I need to get my hands on L-methylfolate (a non synthetic version of folic acid), B12 as Methylcobalamin, and B6 as Pyridoxal 5-Phosphate.

I cannot imagine one of our embryos sticking.  I cannot fathom being one of the lucky ones this will work for.  I simply cannot imagine myself pregnant in 2 weeks.

From Within My Bunker

Over the weekend, my mother joked that I had “hunkered down in my bunker” and she was right.   I didn’t relate the details of our shitty IVF cycle to many people.  I just felt so defeated.  We only got 6 eggs.   If you know our history (see sidebar), with only 1 embryo to show for it, we felt sure we would lose the numbers game again, and end up with no blasts.

This morning we were evacuated from our home due to a major gas line break.  In fact, a two block radius of stores, apartments, and homes were evacuated. I was sleeping when the fire department came knocking at our door.  You see, I was up all night worrying about 0 blasts again.  I  finally fell asleep around 6am.  The fire department showed up at 7:30am

We packed up the important parts of our lives (including 2 angry cats) and exited within 10 minutes.  I find it amusing that I forgot my jewelry and makeup, but packed our passports and my brand spanking new MACBOOK.  I guess that means, when push comes to shove, perhaps I am not a vapid bitch?

Anyhoo..  I was forced to spend the morning at my in-laws.   They are really lovely people. But I wanted to field the 9am phone call from my doctor stating “all your embryos died” alone.  I wanted to cry, alone.    I honestly felt I had earned this tiny little perk of facing my hurt, fears, and shame, alone.

No call came at 9am.  Then, no call came at 10am.   I had been (calmly) fine for the prior 5 days, but once 9am arrived, I was a complete wreck and still sitting on my in-laws couch. Two amazing friends quickly assured me that passing 9am mark was good news, because our clinic gives biopsy reports between 11am and 1pm, not bad news.   Nonetheless, my abused heart thought “my doctor is just delaying the inevitable, difficult conversation.” Dramatic, perhaps?  But I have suffered so much, and I have not been able to keep a positive headspace at all.  Zero embryos will do that to a girl.

At exactly 11am I received a call from my doctor.  From her car.  On her day off. Incidentally, I now have her cell phone number (which I promised I would burn).  She was animated and excited.   We froze 2 very good blasts. TWO.   While I am sure some of you aren’t impressed, we are fan-fucking-tastically impressed.   Two. Strong. Blasts. Frozen.

So with only 5 fertilized eggs, this cycle, from all angles, looked like a complete bust.  In fact,  on the day of the trigger, we debated canceling.

Yet, this was, in fact, our best cycle yet. (so far)

I have pondered why this cycle was better.  Was it the acupuncture?  Was it the supplements?  Was it the human growth hormone?  Was it the swap from HCG to Menopur?  Who knows?  I will just say it was a combo of all of the above.

And now, we wait 2-3 weeks for the 24 chromosome testing results.