Despite the numerous symptoms I am dealing with (mainly nausea and exhaustion) I cannot stop the negative thoughts about Monday’s ultrasound. Mainly I keep thinking “there will be nothing in my uterus.”
Even after receiving my first real BFP, ever. I am still dealing with the scars of infertility. I imagine I will continue to do so for a very long time.
In fact, I attempted to join a March 2013 Birth Board. Because I am pregnant now, and that’s well, normal, right? Women get pregnant all the time. Could I finally feel normal? Haven’t I been striving for normal? There are so many posts from women lamenting that this pregnancy is “too soon” because they have an “11 month old” or that that it was “unplanned” and “wow, I’m sooo fertile” or “Anyone with 4-5-6 kids?” and “my husband has super sperm!”
I want to start a thread that’s simply entitled “Babies Who Were Planned?”
And while I know it’s not these women’s fault that getting pregnant was easy for them, it’s also not my fault that getting pregnant was fucking hard. And right now, it’s hard to reconcile my current mindset, with theirs.
So I am not normal. Yet, I am not sure I want to be. I promptly joined a thread of women who got pregnant via IVF. It was very comforting to (again) be among women who got it, and understood how much enormous effort and sacrifice it took me to get to this point.
My second beta was 292. Huge, fat tears are rolling down my face right now as I type this. Relief tears.
According to the interwebs and my RE’s office, my doubling time was perfect, at 36.48 hours. My nurse felt I did not need a 3rd beta, but she said I could schedule one if I wanted. I am going to have a think on that and decide tomorrow.
Up next: Ultrasound with RE, Appt with New Hematologist, First Appointment with the MFM, Anti-Xa Bloodwork, Another Ultrasound with the RE, and my First OB Appointment.
Full speed ahead.
Edited to add: I am going to do a separate page with photographs of the embryo we transferred as well as photos of my sexy pee sticks. I think this will be helpful as after my ET and before my beta I stalked the internet looking for photos of these things. From that process, one thing I learned is that there are very few photos of hatching or fully hatched blasts out there. This worried me to the point that I asked my doctor if, based on my photo, there was something wrong with my embryo. She said “no, it’s a 5BB fully hatched blast and you need to chill the F out.” I never did get the answer if it had become a 6BB (6 because it was fully hatched). But hey, that’s moot, because the little bugger stuck.