All Systems Go

Today is CD1 and the Estrace should arrive by mail tomorrow, and then after a quick doctors appointment Wednesday morning, I should start popping pills in prep for this FET Wednesday night.

I’ve been lax on taking prenatals and baby aspirin, as well as going to acupuncture.  I was given a short 2 weeks off of injections and I simply stopped taking everything.  I just started back on it all Sunday.

And in honor of my MTHFR, I need to get my hands on L-methylfolate (a non synthetic version of folic acid), B12 as Methylcobalamin, and B6 as Pyridoxal 5-Phosphate.

I cannot imagine one of our embryos sticking.  I cannot fathom being one of the lucky ones this will work for.  I simply cannot imagine myself pregnant in 2 weeks.

Where we are headed

I cannot give an accurate review of the endometrial biopsy, as I was doped up on codeine and my doctor is a rockstar who used “very small instruments” since I am “small and tight” (cannot wait till someone googles that) because I “have never had a baby.”  Sigh. That’s why we are having this test, right doc? Anyway.  She also “did not want to have to dilate my cervix.” Her exact words.   So the whole thing was pretty uncomfortable, but not screamingly painful.   There was some concern she did not get enough tissue (due to the small instruments), so let’s hope pathology doesn’t bitch about the sample.  I will hopefully have the results in a few days.

We are gearing up for a vacation. T-3 days!   And then (upon decent EB results) it’s straight into a FET.   Do not pass go, do not… well you know the cliche.  I had a dream last night it didn’t work.  Fucking subconscious.

What is Normal? It’s Bittersweet.

We received our PGD results back and added another chromosomally normal embryo to our tiny stock in the freezer.   When my doctor called with the results, I broke down into happy tears at my office.   While many people would think 2 embryos equals a poor showing, my husband and I are overwhelmed and amazed to just have 2.  It really is relative.

The better of the 2,  a hatching 6BA embryo was chromosomally abnormal.    If we had not done genetic testing, we would have transferred that 6BA hatching embryo.  Thank god we did PGD.

Yesterday, I looked around and realized that 90% of the woman I began this journey with are either pregnant, about to deliver or have newborn babies.  And I’m the pathetic one who is excited about having 2 embryos frozen.    It is a very lonely and painful headspace to be in.

I will be cycling again in June.  Same protocol.  Same bat channel.  But first we are going to spend 7 days putting around the British Virgin Islands.     A well earned break before the madness begins again.

From Within My Bunker

Over the weekend, my mother joked that I had “hunkered down in my bunker” and she was right.   I didn’t relate the details of our shitty IVF cycle to many people.  I just felt so defeated.  We only got 6 eggs.   If you know our history (see sidebar), with only 1 embryo to show for it, we felt sure we would lose the numbers game again, and end up with no blasts.

This morning we were evacuated from our home due to a major gas line break.  In fact, a two block radius of stores, apartments, and homes were evacuated. I was sleeping when the fire department came knocking at our door.  You see, I was up all night worrying about 0 blasts again.  I  finally fell asleep around 6am.  The fire department showed up at 7:30am

We packed up the important parts of our lives (including 2 angry cats) and exited within 10 minutes.  I find it amusing that I forgot my jewelry and makeup, but packed our passports and my brand spanking new MACBOOK.  I guess that means, when push comes to shove, perhaps I am not a vapid bitch?

Anyhoo..  I was forced to spend the morning at my in-laws.   They are really lovely people. But I wanted to field the 9am phone call from my doctor stating “all your embryos died” alone.  I wanted to cry, alone.    I honestly felt I had earned this tiny little perk of facing my hurt, fears, and shame, alone.

No call came at 9am.  Then, no call came at 10am.   I had been (calmly) fine for the prior 5 days, but once 9am arrived, I was a complete wreck and still sitting on my in-laws couch. Two amazing friends quickly assured me that passing 9am mark was good news, because our clinic gives biopsy reports between 11am and 1pm, not bad news.   Nonetheless, my abused heart thought “my doctor is just delaying the inevitable, difficult conversation.” Dramatic, perhaps?  But I have suffered so much, and I have not been able to keep a positive headspace at all.  Zero embryos will do that to a girl.

At exactly 11am I received a call from my doctor.  From her car.  On her day off. Incidentally, I now have her cell phone number (which I promised I would burn).  She was animated and excited.   We froze 2 very good blasts. TWO.   While I am sure some of you aren’t impressed, we are fan-fucking-tastically impressed.   Two. Strong. Blasts. Frozen.

So with only 5 fertilized eggs, this cycle, from all angles, looked like a complete bust.  In fact,  on the day of the trigger, we debated canceling.

Yet, this was, in fact, our best cycle yet. (so far)

I have pondered why this cycle was better.  Was it the acupuncture?  Was it the supplements?  Was it the human growth hormone?  Was it the swap from HCG to Menopur?  Who knows?  I will just say it was a combo of all of the above.

And now, we wait 2-3 weeks for the 24 chromosome testing results.