From Within My Bunker

Over the weekend, my mother joked that I had “hunkered down in my bunker” and she was right.   I didn’t relate the details of our shitty IVF cycle to many people.  I just felt so defeated.  We only got 6 eggs.   If you know our history (see sidebar), with only 1 embryo to show for it, we felt sure we would lose the numbers game again, and end up with no blasts.

This morning we were evacuated from our home due to a major gas line break.  In fact, a two block radius of stores, apartments, and homes were evacuated. I was sleeping when the fire department came knocking at our door.  You see, I was up all night worrying about 0 blasts again.  I  finally fell asleep around 6am.  The fire department showed up at 7:30am

We packed up the important parts of our lives (including 2 angry cats) and exited within 10 minutes.  I find it amusing that I forgot my jewelry and makeup, but packed our passports and my brand spanking new MACBOOK.  I guess that means, when push comes to shove, perhaps I am not a vapid bitch?

Anyhoo..  I was forced to spend the morning at my in-laws.   They are really lovely people. But I wanted to field the 9am phone call from my doctor stating “all your embryos died” alone.  I wanted to cry, alone.    I honestly felt I had earned this tiny little perk of facing my hurt, fears, and shame, alone.

No call came at 9am.  Then, no call came at 10am.   I had been (calmly) fine for the prior 5 days, but once 9am arrived, I was a complete wreck and still sitting on my in-laws couch. Two amazing friends quickly assured me that passing 9am mark was good news, because our clinic gives biopsy reports between 11am and 1pm, not bad news.   Nonetheless, my abused heart thought “my doctor is just delaying the inevitable, difficult conversation.” Dramatic, perhaps?  But I have suffered so much, and I have not been able to keep a positive headspace at all.  Zero embryos will do that to a girl.

At exactly 11am I received a call from my doctor.  From her car.  On her day off. Incidentally, I now have her cell phone number (which I promised I would burn).  She was animated and excited.   We froze 2 very good blasts. TWO.   While I am sure some of you aren’t impressed, we are fan-fucking-tastically impressed.   Two. Strong. Blasts. Frozen.

So with only 5 fertilized eggs, this cycle, from all angles, looked like a complete bust.  In fact,  on the day of the trigger, we debated canceling.

Yet, this was, in fact, our best cycle yet. (so far)

I have pondered why this cycle was better.  Was it the acupuncture?  Was it the supplements?  Was it the human growth hormone?  Was it the swap from HCG to Menopur?  Who knows?  I will just say it was a combo of all of the above.

And now, we wait 2-3 weeks for the 24 chromosome testing results.

And so it goes…

My numbers at baseline were fine, and actually the same as they were in December.  My FSH and LH are still just in the normal range.  My AFC is always 11.  So my 3-4 month break, and  turning the ripe old age of 37, did not hurt me. 

I had this fleeting hope that if we 86’ed the Menopur, I would lose the side effects this cycle.  That hasn’t been the case.   I am down for the count and feel simply miserable.

Speaking of bagging the Menopur, there was a last minute swap to low dose HCG late last week.  There were hours of discussions with both my doctor and the pharmacy, and then it was a mad dash to get the meds here in time.     All is now setup in our mobile pharmacy, and IVF #3 is underway.