Which Way

I’d like to say things are getting better and staying better but it seems that returning to infertility treatments has halted and also reversed any healing I did after my miscarriage.

I hate hate hate where I am right now and I’m angry that I cannot seem to snap out of it. Women have miscarriages all the time, it’s not like I’m special or anything. I wish I knew how to just suck it up and move on. On one hand I remind myself that I only lost the pregnancy a few months ago but on the other hand I feel like I should of made more progress? I should be feeling better? I don’t know. It’s just, we put so much emotional, physical and financial effort into that baby we lost: 3 IVFs, a polyp removal, CCS testing, 1000’s of injections (FU Lovenox), the bulk of our savings, etc and now I just feel empty. I have always been a strong person and I feel so very defeated.

Yesterday I cancelled on my RE literally 1 hour before I was scheduled to have a procedure. Instead, I stayed in bed and cried for a few hours. My husband then called to see how the procedure went and was shocked when he heard I didn’t go. I always go. I finally dragged myself out of bed, worked a few hours and then cut out early for a manicure and pedicure. I am trying, but some days the sadness is just overwhelming.

Perhaps it isn’t just the miscarriage, but that I am so worn down after almost 2 years of failed infertility treatments? Why continue when we always get bad news? There are just so many obstacles against us. I don’t know how we will overcome my husbands sperm DNA fragmentation and I don’t know how to overcome the HLA match issues. Especially as there is now some concern about using Neupogen due to my blood clotting issues. While we are fine using a gestational carrier it is a huge expense for us on top of 2 years of expensive infertility treatments.

I’ll admit it, I bought Powerball tickets yesterday. Unlimited funds would really help us reach the goal of 1 baby. We won $7.

Just a note to those of you who sent me an email, txt, or left a message after my last post. Thank you for checking in. Thank you for taking 1 minute out of your day to say hello, commiserate or just support. It made me feel less alone.

Advertisements

What’s Going On

Eating, Nausea, and Pooping (or lack there of). Right now I am eating chicken noodle soup and I am so so grateful. I just spent the last 36 hours in the fetal position (a slight dramatization, but it wasn’t pretty) with “morning” sickness and gas. Yes, gas. Huge crampy, stomachy gas. This morning, I was up at 6am for an ultrasound with the RE and back in bed at 8am. The misery broke at around 11am and I almost feel human again. My doctor asked my husband “what’s wrong with her?” He replied “she’s been sick for 30+ hours?” We also had a delightful discussion about poop. “Why haven’t you pooped?,” she asked? “That’s my question too,” I replied.

Giving Vaginal Progesterone the Finger. The decision was also made to stick to PEO for the next 2.5 weeks and not switch to vaginal progesterone. I hate hate hate vaginal progesterone. My response cannot be normal? I think last time I used it I referred to it as “en fuego crotch” or “fire vag.” I actually prefer PEO and my doctor is a saint.

Another Ultrasound. Our little guy is doing well and right on target. I told my husband this morning that it’s still difficult to believe there is a little person growing inside of me. I suppose it will feel more real as each week passes?

Lovenox Dosage Fiasco. There was a bit of a nightmare with my new Lovenox dosage, including something not so small as Lovenox actually does not make the dosage my doctor prescribed (in a pre-filled syringe). This took 5 plus days to turn around. I am now completely out of Lovenox and the pharmacy has assured me I will get my new dosage before my shot time at 11:30am tomorrow. Ok.

Losing Weight But My Clothes Are Too Tight? Yesterday I was determined to go to work (I made it 4 hours) and swore I could only muster yoga pants. I tried to pair them with a cute, sparkly tunic top and it was a huge fail. The top was tight across my stomach! I am going to be 8 weeks on Friday and I guess this is just, bloat? I’ve lost weight in the first trimester, so I assume my body is just redistributing due to the baby?

Maternity Clothes. My mom and I have been on a maternity clothes hunt, and so far things aren’t going well. They really just don’t make maternity clothes for short girls, everything is just too long, including the shirts. Most of what I found at Motherhood Maternity, Target, and Kohls were just huge on me. I found a few things I liked at The Pea in the Pod, but I cannot justify spending $258 on an everyday dress when I plan to only be pregnant once. I am in the market for a maternity winter coat (we found a few) and 1-2 dressy maternity dresses for events though. I think we’ve just decided to buy two cute pairs of pregnancy jeans, a soft black maternity skirt, and a pair of maternity black trousers and then get a bunch of cute of flowy shirts (in normal sizing) and some plain t-shirts. I will match this look with fun scarves and earrings and call it a day. Also, I will be pregnant in the fall and winter so I can get away with big sweaters and leggings and dresses and tights with boots. Hopefully whatever we buy I can wear after the pregnancy too.

Sweet Relief

Oh sweet relief.  We saw and heard our little guys heartbeat yesterday.  He is right on track for his gestational age and the MFM said the sac looked “textbook perfect.”

It’s about fucking time that something was textbook perfect.

Since this is my first rodeo, I found this chart helpful in understanding the proper heartbeat ranges based on gestational age:

Age Normal Fetal Heart Rate
5 Weeks (Beginning) 80-85 bpm
5 Weeks starts at 80 and ends at 103 bpm
6 Weeks starts at 103 and ends at 126 bpm
7 Weeks starts at 126 and ends at 149 bpm
8 Weeks starts at 149 and ends at 172 bpm
9 Weeks 155-195 bpm (average 175 bpm)
12 Weeks 120-180 bpm (average 150 bpm)

Prior to my MFM appointment, I had Anti-Xa bloodwork done at the hospital.  This is a timed test that is used to determine if the blood is thin enough while on Lovenox.  The results were back within the hour and we learned my blood is a tad too thick.  My hematologist is increasing my dosage of Lovenox from 40mg to 60mg.  I must admit,  this conversation brought me to tears, tears of relief that I (finally) have the right doctors who will monitor my issues.   It gives me some hope for this pregnancy.

Also, as much as I bemoan the issues that make my pregnancy high-risk, we were really impressed by the ultrasound machine at the MFM’s office.  Dare I say they were sex-ay? They really blew my RE’s ultrasound machines away (and those are nothing to sneeze at either.)   We also straightened out my monitoring and ultrasound schedule for the next 15 weeks or so and now we can can schedule some things we’ve been holding off on.  So while being a clotting nightmare is no prize winner, there will be many appointments, and the constant reassurance during this pregnancy is welcome.

Second Beta Results

My second beta was 292. Huge, fat tears are rolling down my face right now as I type this. Relief tears.

According to the interwebs and my RE’s office, my doubling time was perfect, at 36.48 hours. My nurse felt I did not need a 3rd beta, but she said I could schedule one if I wanted. I am going to have a think on that and decide tomorrow.

Up next:
Ultrasound with RE, Appt with New Hematologist, First Appointment with the MFM, Anti-Xa Bloodwork, Another Ultrasound with the RE, and my First OB Appointment.

Full speed ahead.

Edited to add: I am going to do a separate page with photographs of the embryo we transferred as well as photos of my sexy pee sticks. I think this will be helpful as after my ET and before my beta I stalked the internet looking for photos of these things. From that process, one thing I learned is that there are very few photos of hatching or fully hatched blasts out there. This worried me to the point that I asked my doctor if, based on my photo, there was something wrong with my embryo. She said “no, it’s a 5BB fully hatched blast and you need to chill the F out.” I never did get the answer if it had become a 6BB (6 because it was fully hatched). But hey, that’s moot, because the little bugger stuck.