Impossible

I am struggling with our next steps. And to be honest here, struggling is a mild word for how I feel.

We’ve been at this infertility nightmare for almost 2 years now, with many years of trying to conceive naturally prior. It has become part of our everyday lives and unfortunately infertility isn’t a train you can just cleanly hop off of and forget. It just chugs and chugs and chugs and drains you.

People keep saying “it will happen for you” but these are people who are not involved in the HOW. HOW WILL it happen for us?

This is not a question easily answered:

1- IF we can get any chromosomally normal embryos that also happen to not have mitochondrial issues,

2- We can then off label use Neupogen at transfer for the HLA match issue. This drug, mind you, is experimental, and is intended to treat chemo patients. It is not covered by insurance (off label use rarely is) and will cost about $10,000 out of pocket. To me though, the bigger issue is not the cost (although that still makes me vomit), but if Neupogen works for us, how could it affect the baby? Or me? No one can really answer this and therefore, I am very very stressed about using this medication. This leads us to the last option, which is to…

3- Use a gestational carrier, to the tune of $60,000 (plus or minus $20k). It’s a huge amount of money, especially after spending money on 4IVFs with CCS testing and immune testing with Dr. Braverman.

There is no easy path here. There are no clear options forward. Having a child naturally or even easily via IVF has been taken from us and I’m angry, so very angry that we have to go to such extreme measures while we rack up insurmountable financial debt.

I feel so lost and defeated. And tired. So tired.

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