Up Down, Up Down

Not only is our single embryo chromosomally normal,  it’s a 5AB.

Today, immediately prior to learning our embryo grade, we had a discussion about our lack of confidence in this next cycle.   Our last interaction with our doctor about the embryos quality was on day 5 and she gave this embryo a 30% chance of survival and it was deemed “of poor quality.”

Since then, we’ve been hounding the clinic a few times a week for a report on the embryo grade.  When no answer was forthcoming, we both just defaulted to the last discussion we had about it:  of poor quality.

However, our 1 Paulette did some rockstar growing between day 5 and 6.   

Now, If we could just get a few more decent embryos out of our next cycle…

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Worried

My doctor called me today.  Randomly.  To you know, chat, I guess? 

We briefly touched on the fact that out of 9 embryos, we only ended up with 1.  Yes, it was normal, but we lost 8.  I asked her, “what do we do to get more than 1 blast on day 5?”

Apparently, that is a million (or is it billion?) dollar question?

She said there are “some tweaks she can do to my medicines,”  however she is hoping that I was having an “off month, egg/ovary wise” during my first IVF, and that this isn’t an egg quality issue.

Egg. Quality. Issue.  😦

Tweaks and off months aside, I’m still struggling with my less than stellar (understatement) first IVF, and now I don’t have much confidence moving forward. 

I know so many people with multiple embryos on ice, and at this point, I’m just so envious. I keep thinking, why? not? me?  Why is this so hard for me?

Perspective

I have a friend who is now 40 and attempted 9 IUIs.  All failed.  She had a miscarriage at the age of 35.  She never got pregnant naturally again.  Her only wish in life was to be a mother, and she cannot afford IVF.  Statistically, she will probably never be a mother.

I know a woman that endured the process of IVF, and the result was 9 amazing looking embryos.  After PGD testing, she learned they were all infected with a significant genetic disease, and therefore not viable.  

I have a friend who miscarried twin boys at 20 weeks.  I cannot imagine the pain of having to give birth to your children 17 weeks early, and to only know them for a matter of minutes.

Am I sad about the results of my first IVF? Yes.  And I’m allowed to be sad, then bitter, then angry, then sad.  Yes, I am allowed to grieve and heal.    I really wanted more embryos, because IVF (especially with PGD) is a numbers game.  I know women who have 8-10 embryos on ice.  Am I envious, yes?  I’m allowed to be.  Why do I have to endure this process again, and again?  Who did I piss off upstairs?

The simple answer is, life is unfair.  And this is my journey.  But in every situation in my life, I eventually try to put things in perspective.

With infertility, every step is a hurdle.   First you have to be able to afford IVF, then you have to be lucky enough to have the decent ovaries and sperm, then you have to produce quality embryos, then the transfer has to be successful, then you must have rising betas, then you must see a heartbeat.   AND THEN, dozens of things must go right so you carry a baby to full term.

I have a life outside infertility.  I have a husband (my best friend) who I am so very blessed to have.  I have family and close friends that love me, and whom I love in return.   Why dwell on what I don’t have?   I am working on being thankful for all the wonderful things I do have in my life.    And I am working on perspective.

It’s a work in progress.

Woah and then Decison Made…

Holy crap.  I just started spotting.

Fairly certain I cannot start a Microdose Lupron protocol on Sunday, when I don’t have any microdose lupron.

Edited to add:  We made the decision to not call our clinic on Saturday to inform them of my period arriving.    Before starting a new cycle, we want to have our wtf appointment with the doctor.   And in fact, she has been at a conference and has not yet defined my new protocol.  So I would of had to call the emergency line on a Saturday, they would of had to locate her, and she would of had to design my new protocol within the hour.   Not to mention, I do not have all my meds, and as of Friday, the insurance portion of this has not been completed yet.   This, and my body, is far too important to start a new rushed cycle on Sunday that has very little thought and organization behind it.   We will wait a month.

Trying to Rally

It’s quite possible that I will be starting stims again next week. 

While the embryo we have on ice is cromosomally normal, it’s not a well graded embryo.   And if we transfer that 1 embryo, and it fails, we relinquish our spot in the PGD banking program.   That isn’t financially feasible for us. 

I wish there was more time to regroup, but there are a max of 3 cycle slots left for me this year, and 2 of them do not fit our schedule, or the clinics.     Either way, the results of IVF #2 will be frozen, and we will not attempt a transfer till 2012. 

So my doctor is working out my next protocol (a microdose lupron flare, she thinks), and the clinic is processing the paperwork.  And I’m waiting for my period to arrive.   And drinking an Old Fashioned.